Beautiful Silence


My Dear Son,

Last Friday, I put you to sleep and then hurriedly went to the bathroom and performed wudu, fearing you might wake up and scream upon not finding me. Alhamdulilah, I completed my wudu and you were still sleeping. I then started my salah, still nervous that you might wake while I’m performing salah, demand my attention and make it difficult for me to concentrate… You woke, came to my room (we leave the doors slightly ajar so it’s easy for you to get out and find us), I got nervous that you’d scream and then climb my back, my head and interrupt my focus. You didn’t. Instead, you tugged at my abayah,  said “Mama”, saw you weren’t getting a response (I think you know that when I’m in salah, I can’t talk to you) and then quietly lied down next to me. You were so still, I wasn’t sure if you were sleeping or not. As soon as I ended my salah and said salam, I looked to my left and saw you peacefully asleep. I just cried. I don’t know why. Maybe because of the realisation of what it means to be a mother… the difficulties, the frustration, the exhaustion, the patience and impatience, the sheer joy, and the reward of completing my salah and seeing you sleeping silently next to me, on my musallah. What a beautiful picture that was!

With love,

Mommy

Never-ending Worship


My Dear Son,

SubhanaAllah, may Allah, Most Merciful, accept the prayers of every struggling mother, yearning to find khushoo and closeness to Allah in her salah. I have often struggled to attain complete concentration in salah. It’s been a constant battle, fluctuating, like imaan. But, subhanaAllah, since your birth, it’s become an even bigger battle. My mind constantly runs away to you. With the slightest squeal from you, my being starts panicking that you’ll cry and scream. Even if someone has you, I worry that you will become restless or naggy and that person will begin to panic and not know what to do. Consequently, I am unable to reach deep concentration and a place of calmness and rest in my salah. Instead, I am always in a haste, doubtful and unsettled.

I question myself. What is it that my mind is really running to? I know that Allah, Most Merciful, is in Complete Control.

I reassure myself. I am just a facilitator between you and Allah. He (SWT) is your True Provider and Sustainer. He (SWT) is your Maker, your Allah, as He (SWT) is mine. I only have one goal. It is to please Allah (SWT). And you, my angel, sent from Allah, in His Infinite Mercy, are just another means of reaching my goal.

I reassure myself. Allah is Merciful and Omnipresent. Allah knows everything. Even what’s ingrained deep in our hearts. I remind and console myself that my Allah, Most Merciful, knows my intentions and yearning. My Allah, Most Merciful, has put me in this situation and is Fully Aware. And taking care of you, my little darling, is, after all, just another way that my Beloved Allah wants me to continue worshipping Him, making my worship as never-ending as His Favours upon me.

May you continue to be a means for me to reach my ultimate goal. And may you lead your father and mother to the Ultimate Success. Ameen.

With love,

Mommy