Z – almost 4 years old
T – almost 2 years old
A – almost 3 weeks old
My Dear Sons,
There’s three of you now. As I sit, breastfeeding you, A, the newest member of our family, my mind switches from your eldest brother’s shouting and T’s crying to your recent circumcision. I think back to when T, not so long ago, had his circumcision, by the same doctor, and Z as well.
A, you had been so passive throughout the whole procedure, not a single cry, Alhamdulilah. But, as we left the doctor, just as we climbed into the car, you started feeling the unbearable pain. I could only gauge the measure of your pain by your heartbreaking cries that were so difficult to hear. And that familiar feeling once again settled in me; that familiar feeling of utter helplessness, as I called on Allah, The All-Hearing, to help you.
That familiar feeling that I know is a reminder and a taste of all the many more occasions of helplessness I am yet to feel as you and your brothers go through Life. May Allah, The Most Strong, help me to be strong.
My dear boys, I’m realising and experiencing more and more the importance of emotional strength and emotional control. And while I discipline you, guide you and often unfairly expect you to be in control of your emotions and actions, Z and T, as small as you are, I must admit that I have not been in good control of mine, since the welcoming of A.
I’m finding it so difficult to divide my attention fairly, to accept, appreciate and handle your different temperaments. Z, you often need my reassurance and become very clingy if I don’t give you the right attention, from the time you demand that I get out of bed “because the sun is out” till bedtime when you insist that I, as opposed to your Dad, put you to sleep because you love me too much. If I don’t start the day right, by getting up, giving you breakfast and paying attention to you, our day is bound to not go well. Your listening ears suddenly don’t work anymore and you become very uncooperative. T, you have a very loud personality, besides really not being able to whisper. You demand attention by literally screaming and making yourself heard, acting up hugely and loudly if I don’t give you your fair amount of attention throughout the day. And then there’s, A. At the moment, A, you just cry non-stop until I pick you up.
T, you are battling so much with your emotions at the moment. I’m not sure you know whether you like A or not. It must be very frustrating to not yet have all the words to tell me how you feel, so you hit and bite and scream and throw things. Patience. I need patience, but it’s been thinning out lately.
T, besides your struggles with your new brother, you have your daily quarrels with your Daada, Z, too. Shame, you must really admire him. You want to copy everything he does but at the same time you want to compete with him and always be a step ahead. I tell him he is your hero and that you love him so much that you have to do everything he does and be everywhere he is. MashaAllah, your Daada has a lot of patience with you. He smiles when I tell him that. He is getting to be a bigger boy though and I can see that he needs space away from you at times. Before, Daada didn’t know how to defend himself against your frequent hard hits, scratches and bites. He tries using his words and being firm but sometimes he forgets or just doesn’t have faith that it will work. So, now, your fights with Daada have become very physical, as he fights back, sometimes even being the instigator. Your Dad thinks it’s a great thing; my nerves struggle to handle it. T, as small as you are, you’ve still got the biggest personality in a room of kids. Even if you are the youngest in the group, you are not intimidated. MashaAllah, you have a very big and powerful personality. Despite hitting me, biting me and generally making it difficult for us to get along, underneath all that, you’re still my little baby, and I know that all you want is my unconditional love and care. I ask Allah, The Loving, to help me to nurture your temperament, Ameen.
Phew! I’m emotionally tired and not doing too well in the emotional strength department, which I do believe is where Mommyhood stems from. But I can feel things easing up and the days getting less heavy. Alhamdulillah.
May Allah, The Protector, continue to love and look after my boys. Ameen.
With all my love,