Please Let Me Sleep!


My Dear Son,

I am so frustrated right now. It is past 12 a.m. I’m am tired, having been half awake/half asleep with you since 3 a.m. this morning. Scratching my face, hitting my breasts, pulling my hair… The things I put up with to get you to sleep. But it is one of those nights when you are over-stimulated, over-active and over-tired. And I just want rest. So, right now, I have put you on the breast. Please let me sleep!!

With love,
Mommy

Should I or Shouldn’t I?


My Dear Son,

As I sit here, squeezing in some writing time on my phone, you are fast asleep in my arms after a bit of screaming and moaning. I know I should put you down now so that you do not get too comfortable in my arms but sometimes I’m so comfortable having you in my arms that it’s difficult to release that snug embrace when I have the time to sit with you, like now. But it’s not fair to confuse you like that, I know. I do it a lot in the middle of the night though, despite myself. Nights become long and tiring sometimes and neither of us will get any sleep otherwise. Sometimes, while feeding you, I just doze off, and, before I know it, you’ve fallen asleep on the breast! Some nights I don’t even remember you waking up or picking you up or feeding you, but somehow you’re sleeping at the breasts!

You’re so small and there is so much ahead of you, so many decisions your father and I will have to make for you, but, already, it’s difficult to always know what’s the right thing to do as your mother. Should I let you have your way and sleep at the breasts or am I spoiling you? Should I train you to have better, healthier sleep patterns or should I let you get to that point in your own time, even if that time is at 2 or 3 years old? Should I strictly control what I feed you or should I let you just enjoy the sweet stuff while you’re so small? Anything to just get you to eat? Will it be too late to curb your sweet tooth when you’re a toddler? I often find my mind wandering to the days of the Prophet (SAW) and the sahaba and sahabiyah. I wonder how they dealt with their babies’ sleep and feeding challenges. May Allah, Most Merciful, help your father and I to make the right decisions throughout your precious life. Ameen.

With love,

Mommy

Never-ending Worship


My Dear Son,

SubhanaAllah, may Allah, Most Merciful, accept the prayers of every struggling mother, yearning to find khushoo and closeness to Allah in her salah. I have often struggled to attain complete concentration in salah. It’s been a constant battle, fluctuating, like imaan. But, subhanaAllah, since your birth, it’s become an even bigger battle. My mind constantly runs away to you. With the slightest squeal from you, my being starts panicking that you’ll cry and scream. Even if someone has you, I worry that you will become restless or naggy and that person will begin to panic and not know what to do. Consequently, I am unable to reach deep concentration and a place of calmness and rest in my salah. Instead, I am always in a haste, doubtful and unsettled.

I question myself. What is it that my mind is really running to? I know that Allah, Most Merciful, is in Complete Control.

I reassure myself. I am just a facilitator between you and Allah. He (SWT) is your True Provider and Sustainer. He (SWT) is your Maker, your Allah, as He (SWT) is mine. I only have one goal. It is to please Allah (SWT). And you, my angel, sent from Allah, in His Infinite Mercy, are just another means of reaching my goal.

I reassure myself. Allah is Merciful and Omnipresent. Allah knows everything. Even what’s ingrained deep in our hearts. I remind and console myself that my Allah, Most Merciful, knows my intentions and yearning. My Allah, Most Merciful, has put me in this situation and is Fully Aware. And taking care of you, my little darling, is, after all, just another way that my Beloved Allah wants me to continue worshipping Him, making my worship as never-ending as His Favours upon me.

May you continue to be a means for me to reach my ultimate goal. And may you lead your father and mother to the Ultimate Success. Ameen.

With love,

Mommy

Oh, That Temper!


My Dear Son,

You certainly have a temper going there, hey. You just have to have your way. And I just have to find a way of gently throwing that temper out the window. Your Mama (maternal granny) says you get your stubbornness from me. Your Daadi (paternal granny) says she could see your feisty temper way back when you were admitted to the hospital. You were very temperamental then already, yes. Very impatient too, even with the nurses. You would scream at them if they took a second too long to cup feed you. You would throw the cup out of their hands when you became frustrated. One sister in particular called you ‘little old man’. She tried real hard to help us get you to latch, but you would just scream whenever you got near my breasts. Her last attempt kind of worked though. And I think this somewhat initiated the process of you eventually latching. She inserted into your mouth a syringe or pipe with expressed breast milk, while simultaneously getting you to latch. Alhamdulilah, now you can’t get enough of breast milk (just as your Daadi predicted) so much so that I had to train you to not sleep on the breasts. Sometimes you still get your way.

May that temper vanish into your toddler years. Ameen.

With love,
Mommy

Our Brave Little Soldier


My Dear Son,

I had a little time to go down memory lane today.

I was thinking about the time you were admitted to hospital four days after you were born. You were born on a Thursday around 1:00 a.m. The hospital discharged us later that afternoon. The Monday we had to go in for a check-up and that’s when my fear became reality. They admitted you because you were underweight, dehydrated and not latching. I cried. Your daddy was not in town at the time. He was working hard in Oman, trying to secure a good life for you. I felt that I had failed you, as I watched you lay in the hospital cot, so helpless, so quiet. Just before then you were screaming. The stern nurse had said it sounded like a hungry cry. As I watched you, I recited to you, with tears in my eyes, relieved for the silence, yet worried and panicky at the same time. How helpless I felt. The nurse said it would just be a day or two that you’d have to stay at the hospital. It went on to more than that, and more and more, until a week. Your daddy became very worried and had to end his work contract to come home and see you for the first time. The doctors were trying to find out exactly why you had lost so much weight and why your yellow jaundice level was decreasing so slowly. They couldn’t find anything, and you were still not latching, but not screaming as much at the breast (so we were getting there, I knew it). Eventually, they discharged you with follow-up visits and tests (eye test, brain test, hearing test). Alhamdulilah, the results were always excellent. As the days went, you would sometimes latch slightly. You eventually got the latching perfectly, Alhamdulilah. It only took about a month of persistence. Alhamdulilah, we got through the long days in hospital. You are just proof to the medical world, and everyone else, that not everything can be logically explained. Some things are left entirely to Allah, Most Merciful. Our brave little soldier you are. Alhamdulilah.

With love,
Your Mommy

Patience, patience, patience


My Dear Son,

Today you test my patience more than other days, I think.

Patience, patience, patience. Shoo! I need a lot of that sometimes. Never-ending roly-polies, sleep protests, feeding tantrums… You are just developing. I know this.  Alhamdulilah. I just have to keep reminding myself. And I just have to find a way to clean your dirty bum quickly before you roll the other way, and then the other way. I just have to find a way of quickly getting you at the right time. I guess I haven’t yet fully learned the lesson on timing, hey, or maybe it’s more about speed. Either way, indeed, you are a test from Allah, Most Merciful.

May I never lose my patience with you. Or if I do, may you never know it. Ameen.

With love,
Mommy

Endless lessons


My Dear Son,

You help me to be a better Muslim, to lead a better Islamic life; thus, to follow a complete way of life.

You add purpose to my days.

May we be your role models, walking in the footsteps of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), so that you do not have to look further than home to find good examples, love and an understanding of your deen (Islam).  May we make our beloved Prophet Muhammad a living example in our home.

As the days go by, there’ll be much more that you will teach me. As you grow, there will be endless lessons your father and I will teach you. Ameen. I pray that, as your parents, we never fail the lessons you teach us. I pray that we are always willing to learn from you. I pray that we are patient when teaching you. I pray that the Prophet (peace be upon him) will always be your foremost teacher. May he (SAW) always be alive in your life. I pray that the angels never leave a room that has your presence in it. I pray that Allah, Most Merciful, facilitates your every action. I pray for your ultimate success. Ameen.

With Love,
Mommy