Consistency is the trick!


My dear children,

I always thought I was good at being consistent, keeping promises, putting my mind to something and just doing it (like Mama!) but I’ve learnt that I’m actually not so much.
I am committed to changing that though. So much so that I’m writing about it!
*The key to getting things done is in small, consistent steps.*
So, we are starting with learning the Arabic alphabet.
I’m keeping it very tiny steps everyday in under 10 minutes each.
I WILL BE CONSISTENT!

And remember that Ash-Shakoor, The Most Grateful, notices and rewards all our actions, big and small.

May Allah Swt be pleased with our efforts. Ameen.

With all my love,
Mommy
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Let the children fight


My dear children,

Lately, sibling rivalry has been on the rise. And my tolerance has been on the low.
So…
As I sit on the bed, LISTENING – not reacting – to you kids bickering again, and breathing in and out and in and out and in and out and… I realised that I had been forgetting to step back and I had been reacting too much and TALKING TOO MUCH in a desperate attempt to just MAKE IT STOP!
Ya.
Wrong thing to do.
So just a few minutes ago, as I kept my distance listening to you guys fighting again, (and I gritted my teeth and I counted my deep breaths and I worked hard at my calm), I now enjoy the pure bliss of you playing together so nicely because I didn’t interfere.

Hmm…

So go ahead little ones, fight it out. And when you’re bigger as well, FIGHT IT OUT. I will not interfere.
With all my love,
(A very emotionally exhausted)
Mommy

Being fair


My dear children,

 

In response to you lamenting that “It’s not fair!”, I often say that nothing is fair on Earth. Fair is in Jannah.
It’s hardly ever a consolation to your growing brains in that moment of venting about how unfair it was that your brother got a (slightly) bigger slice of pizza than you or (slightly) more cereal than you or he had more orange sweets and you just happened to want more of THAT particular colour or…. he went there and I went here and I want exactly what he wants and when he wants it and how he wants it even if my favourite colour is blue and his is green, I want green because he has it!!!!! Otherwise it’s not fair. And Mommy must be fair otherwise it’s unfair!
Uuuurrrrgh.
How?
How is a parent supposed to ensure absolute fairness amongst siblings?
How does a parent limit sibling rivalry and jealousy?

You each have your own individual personality, of course. Where the one is more sensitive to being corrected, the other is more in need of touch and affection. Your needs are different yet… the same, but it’s never equal…

 

 

It’s not a straight line. It’s never simple. I’m still making sense of it in my head. And sometimes, a parent worries that maybe she’s giving the wrong attention in the wrong place to the wrong child. Perhaps the other child is more needy right this moment. Maybe the other child is feeling resentful because he also wants a hug but he’s not the one who just had an anger tantrum so he didn’t get a hug.

 

 

And then the parent worries some more that she is creating lifelong wounds and insecurities in her children and will she ever get this right?

Oh, how flawed we parents are!

 

As we create little miniatures of our projection, mold them and send them into the world, how much are we accountable for?
May Al-A’dl, The Most Just, help us to be fair in all our interactions. And may He SWT forgive us for our shortfalls. Ameen.
With all my love,

Mommy

“Aunty Kaya says it’s not a race”


My dear children,

Sometimes we have to hurry along to get things done. I know I rush you often, it’s in my blood to do things quickly. But, I must remember how very important it is to slow down, especially for you kids.
When you’re eating, your Dad says your reference point is AUNTY KAYA.
“Aunty Kaya says it’s not a race!”
So don’t rush me, is basically what you’re saying. I’ll take my time, because Aunty Kaya says I can! Lol!
May you never be rushed by anyone but your own desire. And may we be reminded by As-Sabur, The Most Patient One, to strive for beautiful patience. Ameen.
With all my love,
Mommy

Comparing just makes everyone feel useless


My dear children,

It’s a trap I fall into sometimes. Too many times. Comparing.
Comparisons are good sometimes when you’re trying to understand the difference between an apple and an orange, for example. Or when you’re comparing prices. Or when you’re weighing options.
But it can never be a good idea to compare people, especially children. It’s damaging. It’s useless. It just puts a frown on T’s face. With good reason.
Sometimes we don’t even realise that we’re busy comparing kids. It creeps out in such sneaky ways.
“See how your brother is doing it.”
“He’s younger than you and he can do it.”
“AA, show him how to do it.”
“Everyone is walking faster.”
“Mommy does it like this.”
But that feeling. That feeling that comes afterwards. That feeling that tells you you’re being compared and you’re not good enough. What a sinking feeling to have. As I watch you kids sink in that feeling, knowing that I caused it, it’s painful to watch.
Mommies and Daddies get it wrong many times. We learn and fail and try and learn again and have the knowledge but still fail again…
That’s why it is important for us to also apologize and ask forgiveness from our children. Parents aren’t perfect.
May Al-Waajid, The Most Perfect One, bless us with the ability to always remember to connect with His SWT Perfection. And through His Perfection and Majesty, may it direct us to our shortcomings and remind us to ask for His forgiveness and help. Ameen.
With all my love,
Mommy

When all your child wants to do is talk and talk and talk


My dear children,

One day, you will be parents. W, you will be a Mommy and your brothers will be Daddies, inshaAllah. I’m sure you just can’t wait to be all grown up and to fit nicely into your roles. It seems like all you kids ever want is to be grown up already!
Anyway, so, one day, when you are parents (inshaAllah) and your child just wants to talk and talk and talk, here are 3 things you must remember.
1. Your child probably has not been getting enough one on one attention from you. You guys know this as ‘Mommy and (name of child) Alone Time’.
Yes, I must admit, I have not been good at holding up and prioritising this quality time spent with each of you individually. Hence, once again, you start to force it from me in creative ways. So smart you kids are! MashaAllah. Indeed, you make sure your needs are met, come what may, even if it be to the depths of frustrating your parents.
2. If you really must, set a timer for talk time (as we do with ‘Mommy and ____ Alone Time’ – usually 10-15 minutes).
3. Tell your child, “I cannot listen to you as well as I would like to right now, if you can hold your thought for 5 mins, I will be able to listen better” or calmly suggest the brilliant idea of him or her drawing or making a list of the points of discussion, until you can listen better in the afternoon, for instance.
If all else fails, and you feel like pulling your hair out…
And the guilt of having these words on repeat in your head drives you even more crazy:
Just count your DEEP, DEEP breaths. Maybe get a glass of water, play a counting game in your head: for each repeated word your child says, take a sip of water.
Make thikr! Yes! Say As-Samee, Allah SWT is All-Hearing, He is The Best Listener. Let your child know this. When no one else listens to you, Allah SWT is ALWAYS listening and He is The Best of Listeners.
And reassure yourself that you are NOT superhuman/supermom/superdad. You have limits, your ears have limits. And that’s okay.
(Yeah, this post should have been addressed ‘Dear Self’).
May it be sufficient for you to know that, when no one else listens, Allah SWT is As-Samee, The All-Hearing and The Best of Listeners. Ameen.
With all my love,
Mommy

“Mommy, listen to my words”


My dear children,

“Mommy, listen to my words,” said AA, as we walked pass the trees while he continued talking and talking and talking.
I had been listening to his words for more than an hour already!
We were taking a nice, long nature walk. The walk was over an hour long, and AA was talking all the time. NON-STOP. How can a three-year-old talk SO MUCH?!
What was he talking about? I actually can’t even remember all the details now. I obviously wasn’t listening well.
But dare I respond with one word replies like,”oh” or “hmm” or “okay” or “yes”.
“Why is Mommy just saying okay?”
“Why is Mommy just saying yes?”
Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!
Sometimes I feel like it’s over and above my personal capacity to listen to four children… talking and talking and talking. My gosh!

With all my love,

Mommy